Hallo there! Did you know that January 3rd is International Anger Free Day? Well it is… because I’ve just declared it. And if you don’t believe me, here is a picture of people having a lovely time skating around outside the Royal Pavilion, not wanting to bash each other over the bonce with an ice-lolly or complain to the management that their skates don’t fit.
It’s one of the most wonderful days of the year because so much sad and bad stuff simply doesn’t happen. In situations where people are trying to make acts of violence take place, it can’t, because so many of us respect International Anger Free Day, and refuse to participate in all manner of murderous, cruel or barbaric activities.
The consequences of such a day are mind-boggling. Wars have to stop, so does domestic violence, road rage, cruelty of all kinds – to friends, family, teachers, animals, even the environment. People that work on transport — trains and boats and planes that have stopped or happen to be late, or wont take off – have a lovely day, because nobody gives a flying fig. Everybody sits around, reading their book, playing games on their mobile phone or talking to other passengers about what they did for Christmas, and how Uncle Jim overcame his appalling atomic piles the moment he realised that International Anger Free Day was imminent. Today, so many situations where rage causes us all to be a total drag suddenly dissolve, and we become ever-so-nice. Suddenly there is so much calm and consideration we all feel a bit surprised, and maybe unnerved.
And other weird stuff happens on International Anger Free Day. Those of us that go out to get drunk and merrily smash up people and places suddenly become incredibly mild. Instead of picking a fight with whoever crosses their path they sit in a bemused alcoholic haze of stupidity and get all sentimental and sweetoleen and jolly. Unpleasant bosses who take delight in shouting orders to their staff suddenly find themselves asking people to do things, rather than barking orders from a face purple with mindless rage.
There is a downside to all this. The likes of Charlie Brooker have absolutely nothing to say. All sorts of comedy acts become unbelievably dull. But let’s remember, it’s only for a day, but the effects of The Day could well go on. Sadly I see no change of direction for the Government. Because they don’t act in anger they just bumble on in their usual nasty self-serving way, and decline to donate so much as a brass farthing to the glory that is International Anger Free Day… Hang on a sec, could it be… that I’m getting angry? Surely not…